Haste

I saw what the consequences of tonight were, but I can't even begin to imagine the terror which you experienced. What you went through is horrifying. And when you showed up in my ER, I'm not even sure if you were aware of how bad and tragic it was.

I do know that we worked hard to save you. Perhaps too hard - we flung questions at you, told you to look at me, look at the doctor, move your only working extremity. Maybe I was too brisk. I was only trying to help you, and sometimes in our haste to determine how sick you are we forget that you're scared here too - even if you can't tell us you are.

I wish I had done it all differently. When I told you to be still, I tried to do it gently. But looking back, I know that I wasn't comforting. I wish I wasn't so used to these traumas now; I wish you had met me two years ago, when I would have held your hand while talking to you instead of just brushing your forehead briefly like the jaded person I am. I wish, when I made eye contact with you after telling you yet again to please be still and let us evaluate your injuries and try to fix you, that I had known I would be the last person you would ever see.

I saw you leave this world, and I was so busy saving you that I forgot to be there for you. I don't think there was anything we could have done different medically. You were going to die, and I couldn't have stopped that. But I should have helped you die with more dignity, and I failed.

I've thought about you almost constantly since you passed. I keep replaying your final moments in my head, and I think of a thousand things I could have, should have said to comfort you. I'm sorry I didn't do that. It's not that I didn't care about you, I just put my trauma nurse face on and forgot to show it.

I'm sorry.

I hope you were able to watch how much care and love I put into cleansing your blood soaked body after your death. I hope, wherever you are, that you can forgive me - and that you can recognize my sadness now as my apology to you. I hope I think of you every time something like this happens - I never again want to forget to be a comforting voice as the one who will watch you die.

Instant karma

I picked up an extra shift yesterday because dollar dollar bills y'all, but even that didn't put me in a joyful mood. What DID make me extremely happy though was seeing sweet, sweet karma in action.

The parking garage I use has two ticket dispensers and gates at the entrance, and then two credit card machines and gates at the exit on the other side of the garage. On the entry ticket dispenser is a giant sign that tells you it's one dollar to get out, but to PLEASE PAY AT THE EXIT. It's literally right above the ticket button and dispenser.

So I pull up at the entrance and roll my window down to badge in. In the second entry lane is a car with four young adults. Late teens, early twenties perhaps? The driver is trying to shove a dollar bill into the ticket dispenser, and comically failing at it. He's getting super pissed that the slot won't take his money, so I said "hey, if you push the button it'll give you a ticket and the gate will open. The money slot is on the exit side, for when you leave." I was seriously nice about it because everyone fucks up now and then and it's embarrassing when people see you do stupid stuff like push on a pull door, or walk confidently into a locked door thinking it will open.

Instead of being gracious about it, the driver goes "I know how to fucking get into the garage, lady" and one of the girls in the backseat gave me the finger. So I shrugged and badged in, because I was late anyway and it's a bad look if I tell a visitor to shove it and then have to be their nurse ten minutes later.

But watching through my rearview mirror gave me a great show - as soon as I pulled through, the guy hits the ticket button and the gate opens. He has to jump back into the car to get through the gate in time, and floors the gas. In his haste to get through he hits the curb and pops a tire.

I know this makes me an asshole, but seriously - sometimes karma is instant, and it's amazing.