Ugh, you know what is the worst? Intoxicated vomiting patients who do so while laying on their backs. I'm the only soul in sight at the nursing station, and I see this dude start to do that heave ho chest thing and make a gurgley sound and so I walk in and grab the yankauer to suction that shit right up. Of course, the patient decides that the moment I am two inches from his face with the suction, he is going to yak all over himself...and straight back into his airway. I do the only thing I can with a non-C-spine cleared patient: ignore the c-collar and grab the sheet to roll the dude onto his side. While still trying to prepare suction on the forthcoming flood.
And promptly have the full components of a foot long BMT sub vomited onto my leg. At least, I think it was a BMT. It might have been meatball sub. Or even Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki. There were definitely onions in it. Oh, and I think there were brain particles, or maybe they were just bits of his common sense but whatever it was, it sure as hell didn't stay down. I yell for help and the cavalry arrives just in time to see him finish the vomitfest. Thanks, guys. And fortunately his C-spine was negative, so we can all just forget that I manhandled someone in a collar.
Anyway, when dayshift came in we were relegating them with tales of this fool, and discussion turned to other gross things, and how gross trachs are, and how we'd rather have a drunken vomiting moron any day over a septic nasty trach. We tell stories of our grossest trachs ever, and one of the docs overhears and mentions how the absolute worst is when there are like nine people in the room, and the tracher just machine guns his sputum right down the line of people with his coughs...UuuuHuYOU! UuuuHuYOU! UuuuHyYOU! and YOU! and YOU!...you're okay...and YOU!
"It's like the Rambo of Lung Butter," he says. Mmmm mmm good.
I hope you're eating breakfast while reading this, suckers!