Saturday, August 27, 2011

Personal Information

Alright folks, let's get personal. I mean real personal. Like I usually only talk about work stuff or nerdy stuff...but this it going to get deep.


I'm a nervous pee-er. Really.

And, storytime. I recently picked up another part time job, and had to do the standard pre-employment drug screen. Knowing that I'm a nervous pee-er I drank approximately eight gallons of water and one cup of coffee prior to leaving my apartment. I was going to waltz in there and pee like a racehorse. Like Secretariat! I was going to be the champion of all pee-ers.

I proudly handed my paperwork to the lady at the window, and she led me to the room of peeing. I signed in all the right places, and boldly took the proffered specimen cup. She gave me the complicated instructions of "pee and don't flush." I nodded assent and walked into the bathroom with the confidence of England circa 1588. Mind you, the door must remain slightly open and the lady must check the crapper afterwards to ensure no shenanigans.

When I sat down, it all went to hell in a handbasket. As soon as my cheeks touched that throne of porcelain, I knew...I had to poo. Not even like a semi-need to poo. It was an "if I attempt to pee AT ALL I'm going to christen this toilet instamediately."

This breaks all drug-screen codes of honor, all protocols of yellow gold, all processes of elimination.

I deep shit. What to do?! Say I couldn't pee, to avoid the humiliation of dropping the kids off at the pool and everyone knowing? Try to poo with the stealth of a ninja and pray for the elusive Ghost Poo? Let it rip and revel in the glory? Or poo and pretend like I had no idea how it got there? It was an agonizing, prolonged decision. The lady knocked on the door at one point to make sure I was still alive. Sadly, I had been trying to will myself to disappear away, but it hadn't happened.

So I bore down and made the decision. I went for the "poo and pretend like it never happened" option. If I act like there is no poo in the crapper, can the lady really call me out on it? Truth is, I was never going to manage a pee without the poo, and this screen was necessary. So I committed.

AND IT WAS A MIRACLE! The heavens opened up and smiled upon me, God took pity on my plight, and I was blessed. Blessed with the Ghost Poo! Like it never happened! Ah, life is good. I then proceeded to pee and finished that drug screen like the champion I know I am.

However, I can't help but wonder...does my good fortune mean that someone, somewhere, will attempt a discreet poo and be struck with the Newton's Third Law Poo instead? Will they drop a bomb so loud that everyone knows it happened? I can only speculate. And if it does you, stranger, I am sorry.

And while we are on the subject of peeing, I give you this:


hoodnurse said...

Okay, that was the funniest thing I've read since forever. I'm not really sure what it says about my maturity level, but I sure did laugh until I was in tears while reading that poop chart, too.

Shrtstormtrooper said...

I'll take this blog to extreme lows just for a laugh. Call me desperate, but it's the truth.

Anonymous said...

AC's giggles just made me full of joy.

k!nkyNurse said...

LOL, this is just too funny!

NP Odyssey said...

The one time you are doing a drug screen and wishing it would have been a hair sample instead of urine.

Maha said...

I second the above comment about this post being the funniest thing I have read in a LONG time! I keenly felt your GI distress and inner turmoil!