Number two

I have never understood what it is about the emergency room that automatically makes patients have to take the biggest poop of their life immediately after rolling through the doors. I'm not even kidding. The likelihood that they'll birth a food baby is exponentially higher if their chief complaint is syncope, afib with RVR, vertigo, or anything involving being strapped to a backboard.

The only patients who are excluded from this phenomenon are the ones who come in for not being able to poop, or for pooping too much. It's almost a guarantee that if the cc is diarrhea, they will stay dry the entire time. And if it's being backed up...I'm gonna hand you a bottle of mag citrate and hope you stay that way until getting home.

This morning I had a guy with syncope and chest pain who desperately needed to drop his kids off. He begged and begged to be allowed to walk down the hallway to the bathroom. I'm trying to explain to him why it's a bad idea, and he's just not down with the whole bedpan plan. "But come on, it's not that far! I'll only be a few minutes. I'll be fine!" he says. I finally got fed up and was like look, dude, I understand that it's pretty embarrassing to have to take a dump in the ER room with just a curtain between you and mortification. But just look at it this way: Elvis died while taking a shit. And that is how he will forever be remembered. Do you want to be that guy?

He used a bed pan.