Black cloud

I've had pretty good luck in my past few assignments in not being a total shit-magnet, but I've got a feeling that this one's gonna be different. It harkens back to Ye Olde Days of Home Hospital. I've already told you about the dude who dropped a deuce on the floor on day 1 off orientation, but did I also tell you about the guy I put in restraints literally the FIRST FIVE MINUTES of day one? No? Well, I'm gonna tell you now.

My first shift off orientation was a bit dodgy since I didn't have computer access yet. Being a Meditech user, the awesome high tech piece of shit this system is thought I was still in Texas even though multiple requests had been made to change my access. No luck. So I'm stuck without.

Because of that, the charge nurse put me as the float for the first two hours so I could just task and not worry about charting. I ask a coworker if there's anything I can do, and she gives me a gown and requests for me to go change a heroin/meth/pcp guy out of his street clothes. I mosey into the room with security, and the guy is sleeping on the stretcher.

"Hey man, we need to get you outta those clothes and into a gown. Hospital policy." The guy cracks one eye open, mutters a Fuck You, and goes back to sleep. I give security a look, and then shake the guy's shoulder again. "No seriously, you need to change. Get into this gown and then I'll leave you alone." He opens both eyes, and I'm not even kidding - straight up exorcist screams, throws a shoe across the room like Hillary Clinton was standing there, and lofts his blanket at the security guard. This next step was great, and points for creativity. He rips the tubing out of the saline bag hanging from the hook above him, and then power-wash style squeezes the bag and sprays every person in a ten foot radius. At this point the security guard calls for restraints and everyone piles on to apply them. I ensure they go on in a medically safe way, and then walk back out to the nursing station where I hand the gown back to the nurse and shrug my shoulders. She's like yea, I kinda expected that to happen so don't even bother apologizing...

Good to know I'm not only a shit magnet but also a sucker.