Pinkeye

I recently offered to take an admitted patient upstairs for a coworker of mine, and oh my god it was the best decision I've ever made at this hospital.

My coworker asked me to help roll this patient, who was a zillion years old, so he could put a new bandage on the pressure sore on her buttcheek prior to her leaving the department. I turned this tiny old lady onto her side, and he bent over to get a better angle at bandage placement. And then it happened: the greatest moment ever witnessed.

You know those air puff machines at the ophthalmologist? The ones that shoot a jet of air directly onto your eyeball in the name of science? Imagine that exact thing happening except instead of a fancy expensive machine blowing a gentle puff of air, it's a century old colon forcing out a stale fart hard enough to ruffle his hair.

I nearly peed my pants from laughing hysterically and had to leave the room where somehow the entire ER staff was in the hallway and wondering why I was falling apart. In retelling the story, I'm making myself laugh even harder and could barely function for more than two seconds without the whole vicious laugh cycle starting over. My coworker finally comes out of the room, and had to deal with concerned staff members asking him all night how his eyes were doing and if he needed a script to help with pinkeye. I spent the rest of the shift in perpetual laughter, and had to go wipe off all my eye makeup because I had cry-laughed it down my face.

Oh, man. I think this might actually be the funniest moment from my near-decade of nursing. I can't even keep my shit together just writing this post, and I'm so glad the universe decided to do me a solid and let me have this little joy.