Methods

From out in the hallway, I hear this. *AAAAGHGGHHHRRRGHGG!* I had to double take when I went in the room.

Me: Dude! What are you doing?! You know your ankle is broken! Stop shaking your leg! Ortho is here, they're just looking at your xrays and they'll be in here in two minutes to splint it.

Patient: I know, but it just hurts so bad. I'm trying to shake it back into place so it doesn't hurt anymore!

Me: No. Just, no. Don't do that.

Srsly. This happened.

Poo(h)

There are some moments where I think to myself, "self? Why are you a nurse? Why didn't you decide to be a doctor instead?"

Last night was one of those moments where I wished I was doing anything but what I was actually doing. I wished I was a doctor. Mostly because I was, quite literally, elbow deep in shit. Full barrier gown, extra long gloves (doubled up. safety first.), and TB mask. And shit. Up to my elbow.

That's my patient right there...the one covered from head to toe in liquid diarrhea with bits'o'corn for added flair. I'm partway through cleaning up the nuclear disaster, and the doc sticks her head in the room and goes, "oh by the way...can you send a stool culture? KTHANXBYE!"

First of all bitches, I sent that culture like ages ago. And started a line, and drew labs, and cleaned up poo, and started a liter of saline, and gave some zofran because the patient was vomiting too, and cleaned up more poo, and put twelve thousand absorby pads under her, and I did it all before you walked in the room because it's hella busy tonight and this lady is going to poop her brains out by the time someone gets around to seeing her. So it's done already.

I really, really, really wished at that point in time to be the doctor instead of me...how nice it would have been to just poke my head in the door and spew off some orders to the nurse. But no. I was elbow deep. In shit.

Sigh. I need this vacation of mine to hurry up.

***
And speaking of poo...

Words

Patient: Can you hand me that urinal? I've gotta go, it's all that damn lazyticks you gave me.

Well, sure. At least you didn't ask me for it "instamediately," as did my patient last week. As in, "My baby had fever, so I didn't give her nothing but brang her here instamediately so yous all could."

Sigh. I need a vacation.

End of an Era - STS-135 Atlantis

I would, without hesitation, sell my future firstborn child for the ability to be on Atlantis today. Just saying.

Watch it now!