Rambo

Ugh, you know what is the worst? Intoxicated vomiting patients who do so while laying on their backs. I'm the only soul in sight at the nursing station, and I see this dude start to do that heave ho chest thing and make a gurgley sound and so I walk in and grab the yankauer to suction that shit right up. Of course, the patient decides that the moment I am two inches from his face with the suction, he is going to yak all over himself...and straight back into his airway. I do the only thing I can with a non-C-spine cleared patient: ignore the c-collar and grab the sheet to roll the dude onto his side. While still trying to prepare suction on the forthcoming flood.

And promptly have the full components of a foot long BMT sub vomited onto my leg. At least, I think it was a BMT. It might have been meatball sub. Or even Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki. There were definitely onions in it. Oh, and I think there were brain particles, or maybe they were just bits of his common sense but whatever it was, it sure as hell didn't stay down. I yell for help and the cavalry arrives just in time to see him finish the vomitfest. Thanks, guys. And fortunately his C-spine was negative, so we can all just forget that I manhandled someone in a collar.

Anyway, when dayshift came in we were relegating them with tales of this fool, and discussion turned to other gross things, and how gross trachs are, and how we'd rather have a drunken vomiting moron any day over a septic nasty trach. We tell stories of our grossest trachs ever, and one of the docs overhears and mentions how the absolute worst is when there are like nine people in the room, and the tracher just machine guns his sputum right down the line of people with his coughs...UuuuHuYOU! UuuuHuYOU! UuuuHyYOU! and YOU! and YOU!...you're okay...and YOU!

"It's like the Rambo of Lung Butter," he says. Mmmm mmm good.


I hope you're eating breakfast while reading this, suckers!

Ohshitosine

I gave my favorite med of all time this morning! It's the most satisfying thing in the world. I just love adenosine.

Love it.

Equally enjoyable is taking care of two back to back STEMI patients. Like I've had a recent run of only drug seekers, chronic abdomen/leg/back/head paineurs, I ran out my inhaler a week ago patients, my left toe feels funny x3 years, I haven't had a period in two months and there is NO WAY I could be preggo birth control is dumb girls, and other stupid mundane shit. Until today, when all I did for the last three hours of the shift was make someones heart stop temporarily, try to keep someones heart from stopping x2, and sending someone really sick to the OR. I felt like an actual ER nurse. Good times.

Dear 16-year-old me

Dear 16-year-old me. There's going to be a new set of Star Wars movies. Don't watch them. They ruin everything.



And wear sunscreen. Check for moles. Don't go tanning. Be aware of your skin.

Skin cancer can kill.

Big Sexy

Quite a few male nurses work in our department, so much so that we rarely give it any thought. But every now and then, the gender differences are glaring.

Two weeks ago, a patient was put under conscious sedation for a procedure, and we couldn't get her to go to sleep. She kept talking, and looking around, and talking, and oogling. Finally, we had to banish the cause: the male nurse. He leaves the room, and the patient tries to sit up and go after him. We lay her flat again, and she heaves this big giant sigh, and goes, "but he's soooo sexy!"

Fast forward to tonight. My little old lady is putting up a surprisingly fierce fight against the po contrast. She doesn't want to drink it, and vehemently swears against the NG tube. While we know she is slightly demented, she knows what's going on right now and where she is, so forcing the tube would pretty much be assault. I'm trying to coax her into these little bitty sips, and she's refusing - for a half hour. Finally the same male nurse walks into the room after taking pity on me, and sweetly asks her to drink it. She eyes him up for a minute, and then grabs the cup and sucks down the entire dose of contrast. He smirks at me and walks back out.

I look at the lady and thank her for drinking it, and then ask her how Male Nurse convinced her. She looked at me like I'm an idiot, and shouts, "well, he's Big Sexy, of course."

Right. I should have guessed. Best part is, the entire nursing station overheard this exchange. So obviously, we will be calling him Big Sexy for the rest of his career...until little old ladies no longer swoon in his presence.

Status

Oh okay. Just checking.

hasthelargehadroncolliderdestroyedtheworldyet.com

A short list of dislikes

Things I can't stand:

• Having to come home from a banging vacation
• Immediately going back to work for three nights
• Getting my ass handed to me all three nights
• Boyfriends who beat the shit out of their girlfriends*
  
• Patients who come in on a backboard after a day of drinking and immediately tell me they need to take a dump
• My recent inability to hold my bladder for herculean amounts of time. It's not convenient having to pee in the middle of important things
• Doing CPR on a 400 lb person with a 30pack of Bud Lite in their stomach, because it sure as hell isn't going to stay there
• Having to wait until July 15 for the next Harry Potter movie
• Drug seekers
• Patients who continue to do dumb things even after a recent injury
• People who don't wear helmets whilst riding on fast things
• Lazy patient care techs who disappear as soon as the septic gomer rolls in with EMS
• Being too busy to take a meal break
• Knowing I internally complain too much when in reality I love my job

Seriously, I have a lot of dislikes...but I love love love my job far more than I can truly say.

*If, however, I happen to see your ass walking on the side of the road after you're out of jail...I swear I will run you over.