January 31

I just sort of realized that I've been doing charge now for 8 months. It's been interesting! COVID has really been a wild ride in terms of learning how to manage a department. Most days I feel like everything is on fire - shit really has been wild. But I think I'm somehow - miraculously, blessedly - doing a decent job at it. I've heard from multiple people that they like working on the nights when I'm in charge. I think that is a huge complement, honestly.

Early on I felt as if I was just a warm body at the desk who existed solely to answer the phone and put stickers in books. Now I feel like I'm actually managing problems as they arise. It's been insanely busy over the past few months but somehow I have coordinated things at the last second every time. Initially I was terrified to make an ambulance wait in the hallway, but now I feel comfortable doing that. If I have only one open room and I'm getting three transfers, it's okay to park the young stable patient with a positive cell phone sign against the wall for 30 minutes if I have to - let the granny in afib take the room instead. I've learned to be more comfortable with going up to these patients to explain to them why they're in the hallway for a brief time, and the communication seems to really help. I now get up from the desk to go retrieve a stretcher, or run a med to a room for another nurse, or help clean a room real quick. 

I've gotten past the fear of missing something, and instead tell people to leave me a note on the desk if it's important. I've learned that it's okay if I don't page out a sepsis alert immediately - a three minute delay in the sepsis page means I have had the chance to talk to an upset patient, or run a blanket back to a room, or silence a monitor if needed. I've managed to get away from the desk, which was my biggest hesitation. I didn't want to be the charge nurse who just parked my butt in a chair for 12 hours and became increasingly disconnected from bedside nursing realities. 

The coworkers who tell me they enjoy when I'm charge truly keep me going at this. I am so relieved that I have been a positive influence - they tell me that I'm approachable, realistic, and never make them feel shitty for not knowing something. It probably helps that I drop F bombs like every three seconds, but hey whatever works. 

Hopefully I can keep this up - I want to get even better at being a resource for all the staff. I want to advocate for changes that will help us at the bedside. I want to speak my mind when it will benefit coworkers. Above all, I want to continue growing and being good at nursing and a good nurse.

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I was thinking about this all today, because it was twelve years ago today that I passed my NCLEX exam. TWELVE!! Can you believe it?! Twelve years ago I was a brand new graduate nurse, afraid to pass and afraid to fail. It really has been a crazy journey, and while it's never been easy it has always been an adventure.