Apathy

So I've been in a funk these past few weeks. My motivation has been low and my apathy is at an all-time high (thanks for the phrase, KL). Dragging my sorry butt out of bed at 5:30 am some mornings is not something I will ever enjoy.

This morning, though, I was extra cranky. Even two cups of coffee before I was out the door at 6:30 did little to squelch the general bleegh I felt towards the upcoming day. I got into my frigid car (I hate wintertime) and let myself feel even grumpier for a minute. And then you know what? I decided that NO. I was not going to be a mopey little brat. I'm going into a career that I love, which I will finally be able to pay bills by, and will get to see and do tons of really cool s**t. I thought for a second, and then in a flash of inspiration, thought of the only true way to pep myself up on a 40º pre-buttcrack of dawn clinical day.

Behold, and smile.


Amazing what one little iPod song can do in your life.

Nursing School makes me (John) Hurt.

I've blogged before about the lack of shame I have regarding BMs and all other flatus-related topics, so don't think this is a new low for me. It's not.

Nursing school has been really, really stressful these past 8 weeks. I thought that once my Community class was done it might get a little better, but today's class orientation shot that idea down like Duck Hunt. Needless to say, by noon I had boldly gone to levels of stress where no (wo)man has gone before. And when I get stressed, I often get a little gassy. Nothing major, just some uncomfortable belly distension and a strong desire for sweatpants.

But today I tempted fate. I decided it would be a good day to eat Panera for lunch, and let me tell you - it was not a good decision. Super high levels of stress + unhealthy lunch = not a fun car ride home.

I had such rowdy gas that it was actually making my belly spasm. I could put my hand on my belly and feel the turbulence beneath. At one point, I think my shirt even moved. To give you a better idea of what was going on in my midsection today, I've included a picture of a possible outcome scenario that I seriously thought could happen. Enjoy.



***********
And speaking of gross things, check out this story of Redskins players telling vomit stories. Vomit is gross, but it is definitely a funny kind of gross. This story is great for three reasons:
1. It is an actual Washington Post story (albeit an online blog one - still, endorsed by the WP!)
2. The first photo is captioned "Throws up before games. A lot," and the second photo is captioned "Says everyone pukes."
3. This paragraph:

"Fabini, if he starts, he usually pukes at some point in the game," Rabach said of Jason Fabini. "He's puked on the sidelines a couple times."

"Of course," Fabini acknowledged. "I think I vomited on Casey's foot maybe once last year. Or my own."

I'm glad I'm not a teacher...

My friend Kaley has one of the hardest jobs I can imagine: Third Grade Teacher. Eegh. Even the sound of it makes me shudder. I'm pretty sure I'd end up hitting at least four kids, ignoring half of them, and making the other half cry all within my first two hours of trying to manage a classroom. Kaley is a great teacher, however, and judging from her tales of teaching she does an excellent job of keeping her classroom from imploding in on itself.

As with any job though, Kaley sometimes has a down day. While I feel bad for her down days, they often result in hilarious blogs. Here is the product of a bad day this week:

Okay, I'm sounding kind of bitter and I do apoligize. A wise professor- Teena- once told me one must "Choose your attitude" each and every single day. She was so right! I was feeling inclined to writing her a letter recently:
"Dear Teena,
I was not on fire for teaching today. In fact, I would say I taught with the passion and tenacity of a wet napkin. Teaching is hard. I did not choose my attitude. I also made several children cry out of a campaign of fear and intimidation instead of nurturing a positive learning environment. I guess you could say I made some bad choices and let some 'teachable moments' sink through the sewer hole of life. Though I am forever grateful for your collegiate instruction, I fear I did not take your words to heart today.
Love, your student!"

Kaley, I hope that the rest of the school year goes relatively painlessly. But friend, if you do have more down days, please be sure to blog about them. Purely so I can have a good laugh at the expense of your third graders and perhaps your sanity.

a backwards world

A 24 year old Muslim journalism student in Afghanistan asks questions in class about the rights of women under Islam. He is arrested, undergoes an unfair trial, and is sentenced to death. After an appeal, the court dropped the death penalty sentence but still gave him 20 years in prison.

It's a sad, sad time in this world when a country has laws so backwards that the mere discussion of a topic can bring about a death sentence. It's even worse when considering that the topic of discussion was the utter lack of rights among muslim women in Afghanistan - these women have no rights and no one to advocate for them. It's depressing.

Here's the story.

It's getting hot in here

So our house tried to burn down today. Not a fun time, that's for dang sure. Here's the story:

Roommate decides to make dinner. Roommate puts biscuits in oven. Oven promptly catches on fire (but not due to said biscuits; Fire Marshal tells us "your oven just crapped out"), and roommate knocks on bathroom door where I'm in the shower. Conversation goes like this:

Roommate: Um, shrtstormtrooper? There are flames in our oven.
Shrtstormtrooper: Like, fire flames? Or your dinner is burning sort of flames?
Roommate: Like FIRE flames! It's bad...

I promptly run downstairs in naught but a towel, where smoke is rolling out of the oven. We searched for a fire extinguisher for about 30 seconds, and I decide to call 911. Clearly this sort of fire is out of my scope of practice.

Conversation with 911 goes like so:

911: 911 Emergency, do you need an ambulance or fire truck?
Shrtstormtrooper: Yes, we have an oven fire and we can't find an extinguisher. We need the fire department right now. I live on 1 Soot Drive in Smokeyville.
911: Okay, let me transfer you to 911 in your town...
911 of Smokeyville: 911 Emergency, do you need an ambulance or fire truck?
Shrtstormtrooper: YES my kitchen is burning down, there is smoke rolling out of our oven and we don't have an extinguisher. We need FD RIGHT NOW. I live on 1 Soot Drive.
911 of Smokeyville: Okay, let me transfer you to the Smokeyville FD...
Smokeyville FD: Hello, FD, do you need an ambulance?
Shrtstormtrooper: WE NEED A DAMN FIRE TRUCK RIGHT NOW! MY HOUSE IS BURNING DOWN! I'M ON 1 SOOT DRIVE, AND MY HOUSE IS BURNING DOWN! HURRY THE HECK UP!

I'm glad our house wasn't really burning down, because it would have been a pile of ashes by the time we got done with the stupid phone transfers. But I digress. It's at this point that I realize that I am standing in the middle of the street...still in nothing but a towel. Small amounts of smoke inhalation later, I am the proud wearer of a pair of sweatpants. Finally the FD rolls up, and suddenly we are the neighborhood entertainment for the evening.

At any rate, our house isn't damaged too bad, but our oven has taken up residence on the back porch. It's a goner. We're all okay, the neighbors are very nice, and it's true: fires are scary.

And lastly, the best quote of the night:
AR: We should bake our neighbors cookies to say thank you!...Oh...no....nevermind...

Take a Joke?

You know, if McCain ever quits his day job, at least he'll have a solid gig as comedian!



Homeboy has a sense of humor!

And Barack threw down pretty well too. His best quip? "My greatest weakness? It's possible I'm a little too awesome."



Awesome.

Obama/Biden 08!

Idiot vs. the Almighty

Really? You're going to serve God with a summons?

Sadly, yes. Nebraska State Sen. Ernie Chambers brought a lawsuit against God, seeking a permanent injuction against Him. I can't decide which is more ridiculous: the fact this lawsuit even exists, or the fact that it was thrown out of court due to a lack of address. Yes, since God does not have a mailable address, the judge decided the suit could not move forward.

Read this and shake your head.

Let's hope God doesn't answer the summons with a snarky lightning bolt o' death to your sorry butt.

IfP

With ridiculous busy work and incompetent teachers causing this semester to suck a big one, I've been having a pretty crappy time of it all. This week has been especially suck-worthy, and I'm always one or two minutes away from The Big Meltdown.

So imagine my joy when I opened the mailbox today! I thought the IfP had forgotten all about me, and I was resigned to never hear back from them. Instead, I pulled out my very own Body Donation consent form and shiny booklet about the gloriousness that is Plastination!

I'll fill it out today and mail it as soon as I have some stamps. I'm donating my body to science when I kick the bucket, and it's gonna be awesome. I'll get to have my bits and pieces forever saved for medical students or the curious public to see. When I'm hanging around in heaven, I'll look down and point me out to all my friends. If my family wants to visit my "grave," they'll get the bonus excuse of traveling to see me.

Life's been pretty great so far, and I can't think of a much greater way to keep kickin' it even after I'm dead!

Sad

I never thought working in psych would be so hard.

My client struggles with anxiety and schizoaffective disorder. As I was reading his chart, this is what popped out to me:
Client depends on grandmother for emotional support. Is estranged from the rest of family, family states they do not want anything to do with him and do not want him talking with his grandmother.

It just astounds me that people can so completely cut off a family member who is desperately in need of their love and support. Especially someone who suffers from a legitimate illness. Every family has the asshat Uncle or Sister or [insert family member here] who drives everyone crazy and is generally a PIA. But it just breaks my heart to see this sweet client shunned by his family - except for a grandmother who probably won't make it very far into the next decade. What will he do then? Who will support him? Will he be left to slowly deteriorate until he can't even function anymore? Unfortunately, downhill seems to be the only path ahead of him.

I applaud anyone who can work in psych. I don't think I'm strong enough for it.

Suck on it, Trebek.

Q: What's the difference between you and a mallard with a cold?
A: One's a sick duck...I can't remember how it ends, but your mother's a whore.

teeheehee

I think I'll try out for the Baltimore Ravens...

I drove too fast, I got caught, I got a traffic ticket. I had court this week but couldn't make it. I postponed it. I emailed Dad to let him know.

Here is why he is the best Dad ever:

His reply?
Dear criminal, I hope you are assigned a good lawyer. Better yet, with that brilliant excuse you can represent yourself.

Love dad, {who can't afford to get you out of jail}

I love my family.

aka Butt Crusties

Dingleberry: noun. (Slang) - a small clot of dung, as clinging to the hindquarters of an animal.


teeheehee.
Stolen without remorse from FailBlog.

Smoot

Smoot is a fun word to say. It reminds me of Fred Smoot, moot points, and smote (also a fun word to say). Little did I know that a Smoot is an actual unit of measurement!

A guy by the name of Oliver Smoot was a happy-go-lucky MIT student pledging to Lambda Chi Alpha in 1958. His frat brothers wanted to measure the length of the Harvard Bridge, but measuring by feet is far too mundane for MIT students. Instead, they had him lay down again and again until they had the length of the bridge mapped out - in little 5'7'' sections, give or take an ear.

By this exhaustive technique, they discovered that the bridge is 364.4 Smoots long.

I find this fascinating because MIT still celebrates Smoot Day, when the bridge was undergoing renovations the contractors scored the concrete at 1 Smoot intervals, and Oliver Smoot has even been invited back for a plaque installing ceremony. Even more exciting, though, was to learn that Google will actually calculate things by Smoots.

I'm exactly 0.955223881 Smoots long!

Sarah Palin

I follow politics. I'm also too lazy to write about them and look up the statistics required to back up any written claims. For the record though, I'm not too lazy because I'm a lazy person, I'm too lazy because I'm in school and would rather spend my free time not doing any sort of brain-stretching exercises. Nursing school is hard enough as it is. When I graduate, I promise I'll be less lazy.

Movin' Meat is therefore one of my favorite people to read. He'll actually post research and statistics, whereas I stop at the opinions.

I also enjoy reading him because he won't hesitate to throw out some excellent jabs. Also, they're funny. And everybody knows I like funny!

See most recent jab:



*Kaley, I know you're not laughing at this. Sorry.

Unified Theory of Biden

I like to poke fun at my Republican friends (here's looking at you, Kaley!), usually by taking potshots at their candidates and being as genially disrespectful as possible. I'm not only about snarking on the elephants though; I think the Democrats have offered up a fantastic candidate concoction for this election.

Newsweek has a great article up about VP candidate Joe Biden. Sure, he's occasionally an impulsive loudmouth who makes some astoundingly dumb comments. He has been known to make some ugly gaffes, like plagarizing parts of a speech in 1987. But overall, he is a great guy. He takes stands and sticks with them. He knows his foreign policy. He is a family-oriented person. He has been through tough times and knows how to deal. He's also witty...noun, verb, and 9/11, anyone?

I think this article shows both the good and the bad of Biden. I think it also shows why Biden, even with the bad, is a solid choice for VP and why he will support Obama in bringing leadership to this country.

Obama/Biden 08!

Here's something I've always wondered: Why must the Democrats be given the mascot of an ass? Didn't the mascot-deciders see those jokes coming from a mile away?

*Just read that Andrew Jackson was labeled a jackass during his campaign, and the name stuck for the party. Thanks, wikipedia.

Blaspheme

I read Stuff White People Like because well, I'm white. And danged if that blog is spot-on about the whiteness of white people. For example, the most recent posts mention white peoples' love of Pea Coats and Ultimate Frisbee. I'm almost ashamed to admit that I own a pea coat and have participated in my fair share of Ultimate games. I could list even more of my whiteness, but that would require a lot of typing.

So imagine my joy when one day I found a new blog that I enjoyed reading. It's called Stuff Christians Like, and while it is a blatant rip-off of the cracker blog it's still very funny. I read it because well, I'm Christian. And also because it's really fun to laugh at how ridiculously cheesy Christians can be.

Recently on the blog, Christian Energy Drinks (?!) were discussed. After determining that yes, this is an absurd concept, the author ponders a few thoughts regarding the Jesus Juice. Here's my favorite.
"Red bull and vodka is a popular drink. If you made a mixed drink with the Trinity energy drink, how many times would you get struck by lightning? I think 7, because that's a pretty holy number."

Funny.